Left me in my self-pity.

I'm listening Apulanta right now. Song called "Pahempi toistaan" ("Worser than other"). It reminds me some strange way of me and Mika's relationship, that came to it's end little time ago.

I feel quite separate. Separated from other people. They won't give me the respection without Mika, wich is quite annoying. But what I can do? My company is not the wanted on those social circles. I'm the sick one, that people, who anyone won't know on the street when I walk approach. So.. I don't have much to do. I'm just trash for those people. Nothing more. And still I think that there are few quite nice people whose I want to know better. But they won't me, so.. yeah.
It's hard but I have used to it. Used to that I don't belong to anywhere.

Life is and we let it be.

Yesterday, I dyed my hair just because my natural haircolour was coming. I hate it. I want it black. And now it's black. Black, black, black.
And some quite new pal developed an argue with me, 'cause I didn't have energy to talk with her yesterday. Because of that, she sent me some very stupid textmessages all the evening and almost all the night. It hurts, to tell the truth. But I just didn't have the energy to try to understand and listen her problems. I don't know why I was thinking that she would understand my situation, but no, I guess.
But everyone did not get it, I'm just a human. I just can't take the pain away from anyone when I'm pain in with myself. I listen when I can, I support, I encourage. But still I'm just a human, I can't help ceaselessly. And it hurts when someone don't get it.

Anxiety is calling me again.
I have start smoking just relieve my stress and anxiety. But now my cigarette case has became empty. I have smoked today too much. So.. may be it's just good thing when I don't have left anything. May be I buy tomorrow more. Will see.

Today I have ate only a chocolate bar. And chewing gum. And water, of course. But nothing else. I feel quite empty - but not hungry - and well. Energetic. For a quite long time.

Tomorrow I have control visit on hospital, I have to go speech my mental and physical health to there. I might get to back to division _if_ I tell how I really doing. And - I could say - I don't do very well, even I feel like it.
But there is so much things that I have not written in here.

I have taken some pills, so I could forget all the mistakes that I have done. But it has been just a momentarily relief.
I have purge my stomach with laxatives.
I have vomit.
I have eat ravenously.
I have cried and cut, when I have feel very anxiety.

I want to believe I can stand on my own, but the truth is.. I can not.
It is very pressing to even think how much damage I have done to myself. Just 'cause Mika's and my relationship gets broken. And I'm the quilty one. It is really... I can't even describe that feeling. I should not been dissappointed, 'cause it was me, who did it. I'm in regret right now. I have punished myself so badly. And yeah.. I don't want to talk of things like this, but still I talk. I'm stupid.

May be I shut the fuck up for little time.
When I get over this anxiety and self-pity.